-Eric Vaughn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W2jTOhxUho

Me, Victoria, and Christina

So…I haven’t posted in a while, besides pictures or videos. Nothing exciting or pathetic.
I don’t have anything interesting to write, so here are some ramblings. Look out for the random pictures.

1) We  move in 2 months or so. It is so weird…I get really excited when looking for houses, and I already found the one that I really want: 5 bedrooms and I’d have my own bathroom(my life-long dream, strange I know). and we’d only be 7 miles from the book store and 0.8 from the commisary.  Everything, and I mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g, is with 20 miles. It’s totally awesome. By the way, did I mention that I hate moving? But I figured that if we have to move, then I might as well find joy in it, and my own bathroom is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted. (joke) Maybe a bigger bedroom would be nice. The room I have now is crowded so Ican’t fit my nunchucks in there.
I’ve always wanted to live right next to a book store…I mean, I’m a book-a-holic after all. Spending three hours a week in a book store is like…I don’t know how to describe it…bliss. Or something.

Christina, me, and Victoria in the front, and Danny and Jacob in the back

The mission of finding joy in moving was a hard one. My life is here. But, my heart is where the home is, and after 15 years of miltary life  I learned that you gotta decide where your heart is and stick it there and thats where you are. That’s why the LORD  holds my heart. My friends are here. But, my family is where my sole love is, so I will survive. And even though  I hate it when people tell me “Oh, you’ll make new friends.”, it’s true. Though none of them could replace my dearest friends here.
It’s already been decided that we’re moving. I can’t change that. The only thing I am in control in is my acceptance of it, my submitting to it, my being happy with it. A month ago it felt like my world was falling apart with the move coming up, but now I feel blessed to (1) be able to live here for the 2 years I did, and (2) being able to move only 5 hours away. So, yup I’m moving, and I’ll probably cry the day I say good bye, but I’ll see ya 3 months later when I come down for my orthodontist appointments.

Katie, me, Danny, and Josh

2) Sadly co-op is over. The end.

3)  Two books I just finished that y’all MUST read are Skin(Ted Dekker) and Across Time Across Tears(Sheridan Elaide Claude). Just to let you know.

Well, thats about it. I love my family, I love my friends,  I love my God, I love my life.

Sam and me

So I learned at that time that I’m sensitive and open. And a lot older than I look. I’ve also learned that I’m crazy, and goofy.

Yeah, my sensitiveness is a fault…one that I am working very hard on. In fact, I’ve now befriended a couple people I used to be too sensitive towards. I’m near reaching my goal. Usually it’s in volleyball or some other sport when I remind someone of a rule or something that might help them hit it better or something and I get the “whatever, I’ll do what I want” look or I get ignored. It drives me mad. But, I recognized how I was reacting recently and realized that getting upset about it wasn’t the right course of action. After a couple good readings in Proverbs and a good deal of prayer for patience and wisdom, I started giving out instructions less, for who am I to correct?, and started trying to encourage more. And when I do correct, I try not to get frustrated when I don’t get the reaction I want. Ok, they do what they want. Their consequences are their own. I’ve automatically got the bossy gene since I have 6 brothers, and I have the tendance to be too bossy. So, still a lesson in progress; critisize less, encourage more.

Then there’s the whole “open” thing. Yeah, I think writing out my thoughts and faults helps me realize what I need to work on. It comes to me pretty easy, and I find that a blessing.

I’m goofy? I object most strongly.

I’m crazy? Now that is a well known fact.

I read some info on Calvinism today. It all makes sense, though a difficult realization. Except for one thing…

Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Philippians 2:12

That’s the only thing keeping me from excepting this theology. Everything makes sense except for this verse. It contradicts Calvinism. It makes it their salvation, our salvation. Huh? I though the salvation is God’s to give us. Why would we need to work out salvation?

I think it very well could be truth…but why would God give even a hint of it not being truth?
I’ll be praying about this more…

Where am I confused?
The fact that Calvinism states that we humans have no choice in what we do, that all we do is God’s choice, just doesn’t fit. Wouldn’t that mean that God made evil?  That God made us sinners with no choice to sin or not to sin just to throw us into hell for sinning? If God made us this way, fine. We are His creatures and He can do what he wants with us, but that God doesn’t seem to fit in with the God of love that sent His son to die for our sins in our place.
I happen to know for a fact that God made us with free will…at least over certain things. Leviticus 19:5 says so.

And if you offer a sacrifice of a peace offering to the Lord, you shall offer it of your own free will.

So, we do have freewill, if only over certain things. But then, what things do we have freewill over, and what things do we not?

I believe God knows everything. I believe God has control over the entire universe, but I also believe that God gave Man choice over his actions, and that our choices are our own. God is still in control of us. He can stop us and take over whenever He wants. But, I don’t think He does. Yes, God knows all things. Does that have to mean that He makes everyones choice for them? No. God knows what choices we’re going to make, but I don’t think He makes them for us. Because if He did He would be making us sin, which just doesn’t make sense.

Maybe I’m not getting what Calvinism is. And maybe, you can help me understand.

What do I believe?
I believe that faith is a choice each of us has to make. I believe it is not a choice that can be chosen for us. I believe in the doctrines of grace.

The man drowned.

When the man gets to heaven, he sees God face-to-face.
“God,” he says,”I cried out Your name and put my trust in you to save me, but you didn’t! Why, O my Lord? For I had faith in you like no other!”
“Child,” God replies, “Your faith was steadfast, but the gifts I sent you were pushed away. I sent 3 boats to rescue you. Yet you turned everyone down because you were expecting huge miracles to save you. You would not except My way of saving you. It is not My fault you were not rescued, but your own.”

The other day, actually night, 2 friends of mine were sitting in the back seat of our van talking about what we want in husbands, which was completely appropriate because it was about how the first thing was a passion for God. We were talking about what kind of a personality we’d like, too, but mostly about what the best quality is, which is of course a love for their Maker. I mentioned how I dreamed about what my wedding would look like, and who it would be with. Not specific people I know, but just what kind of a guy in general. You know, like what he’d look like, and what kind of inexpressible joy we’d have that day, junk like that. One of my friends agreed that she did that, too. I think at one point in a girls life she does do that. That is perfectly fine, God gave us an attraction to young men, which means that it’s obviously not a bad thing. It gets bad when dreaming of your future becomes your world, and I admit that I came very close to doing just that about a year ago. At night my mind was filled with thoughts of future and love. About 3 months ago the realization that there was more to life struck me like a brick to the head. Let’s play dodgebrick…Just kidding. That’s a joke for a friend of mine. But, anyway, I decided to start reading a chapter of the Bible every night. I felt it was important to start doing that because I thought it would probably help to know some good places in the Bible for if I ever needed to help someone with a problem in their life, or to help explain something to someone. I had no idea how it would change my life. Jesus, He died. For me. Me. Evil, lying, disobedient, selfish, me. I’ve always known it, but never really understood completely. I’ve read about Jesus’ death and resurrection many, many times. But, after I watched The Passion, and started reading the new testament, it just finally hit me. The glory really is God’s alone.

To God alone, be the glory.
To God alone be the praise.
Everything I say and do, let it be all for you.
The glory is Yours alone.
- Aaron Shust

I still did think about what my marriage would be like, and what kind of a man my husband would be like, but now it was number 2 in my thoughts, at least I was trying to make it my 2nd. I felt like I was doing pretty good. Last night after chatting about how we can’t wait, and how we want love to come to us, I went home thinking about our talk and how blessed I was to have friends who believe in the same things as I do. But that night as I was laying bed listening to the radio last night, I was thinking about my future, and how I thought I was still putting it too far before God. Then I heard this part of Tenth Avenue North’s song, By Your Side.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I’m not
enough?
To where will you go, Child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

Then I had to ask myself, “Why am I still dreaming about love when I have God?”
I decided right then and there that I would never allow myself to dream about the future again. God needs my full attention, and boy does He deserve it! Last night I did not fall asleep wondering about what color my wedding dress would be, but praying that God would help me to be strong enough to withdraw from my thoughts and focus on Him completely. It’s going to be hard, I know it! Gee, I’m only 14 and it’s hard enough. Imagine when I’m 17 or 18 and I’m really interested in someone, trying to keep him out of my thoughts! That’s gonna be tough, but I trust that God will help me though it. He always has, He always will.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5